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WEIRDO FLICKS: 'Goremet, Zombie Chef from Hell'

by Eli Kroes

You might not be familiar with the term 'Z-Movie,' but if you grew up in the 90's, chances are you've seen one. They're the beyond-low-budget monstrosities that teased you from the walls of the mom-and-pop video store. Usually, the films themselves could never live up to the pictures on the videotape boxes (because this was way before your fancy 'Digital Video Discs' and 'Blu-Rays') but occasionally you'd find something truly unique. 'WEIRDO FLICKS' will clue you into some movies which 'unique' doesn't even begin to describe... 

'Goremet, Zombie Chef from Hell' - 1986, Directed by Don Swan

If you like your movies to look like your friends shot them (that is, assuming your friends are 80's cokeheads in Hawaiian shirts) then you will want to check this one out.

I don't really know what to say about a film like this...it's fairly obvious that director/writer/producer/cinematographer/music supervisor/editor 'Don Swan' (if that's his real name) didn't care too much about the end product, because there's loads of plot holes, wackjob editing, and sometimes the low-rent 80's music even drowns out the dialog.

The film also seems to be marketed as 'horror,' but there's not a whole lot of...well..ANYTHING that happens. Yes, it's implied that several people are eaten by the main character, Goza, but nothing is really shown, and the focus is more on how 'hilarious' it is that he only eats people.

Goza, by the way, is a 600 year old member of 'The Brotherhood,' who I thought were monks of some sort, but seem to just be mysterious guys who live a really long time. Goza does something to upset them (it's not really clear what) and is 'cursed' to live forever and only eat people, as opposed to the other brothers, who just live forever, I guess.

He does basically what I would do with my time, opening up a beachfront restaurant that serves its guests people meat. Of course, pay no mind to the fact that HE'S the one who has to eat people, so it doesn't make sense that he would kill EXTRA people to serve at his restaurant.

So, he kills a lot of women, until he kills the wife of a cop (which also isn't clear for some reason until much later) and then people start to suspect something's up. The Brotherhood returns after 600 years of just forgetting about Goza, and I guess I won't give away anymore.

Most of the dialog is borderline demented...full of non-sequiturs and painfully unfunny jokes, but for some reason the whole thing sticks together and managed to keep me interested for its barely-an-hour runtime.

In fact, it almost seems too good to be true...more like a Tim-And-Eric-esque prank on moviegoers than an authentic relic of 80's low-budget cinema, but it's actually real, thankfully. Maybe not the kind of horror film you'd like to watch on Halloween, but it was funny at least.


VHS photo by Toby Hudson.