By Brian Moylan, Hollywood.com Staff
The worst thing about Big Brother my favorite two months obsessing about the social, mating, and grooming habits of a bunch of yahoos is that all the yahoos insist on using slogans from the Pee-Wee Football League's book of pep talks. ""Go big or go home."" ""I'm here to play hard."" Or, in the immortal words of Wig sorry, I mean Wil (but with his abominable hair that seem to be an appropriate slip) ""The game have begun."" Oh yes, the game certainly have begun, Wig, and last night we got our first two nominees for eviction. Willie Hantz, sister Satan spawn of Survivor villain Russell Hantz, put up Kara (who has differentiated herself by having boobs and hair and nothing else) and Frank (who has differentiated himself by having big hair so that means he is two steps behind Kara) for eviction.
This shows that Willie is going big and that means that, very soon, he will be going home. Willie is only HoH this week because Brittany nominated him, but he seems like the quintessential player that comes out of the gate fighting hard and trying to make too many alliances and strategies. After a few weeks, people will think, ""Man, this guy is playing way too hard and is exhausting, let's get him out of here."" Willie goes and makes a deal with Frank because he is handsome and has that magic hair. It is a coif that was knitted by elves and made with the fallen strands of hair from unicorn tails. Like the blue crown with which Marge Simpson rules the universe, so does Frank's hair enchant all that look onto it. It makes him the most popular. It makes everyone fall in love with him. Our Sampson, our brand new Sampson. Anyway, because of the magic hair, Willie brings him into the HoH room and makes a deal to go to the end with him. Then he nominates him. Yes, Willie is playing way too hard.
Now, pissing everyone off and making all sorts of deals and side deals and back deals may have worked for Russell on Survivor but it's never going to work on BB. The difference is that all you need to not get voted out on Survivor is numbers or an immunity idol. Because of the structure of Big Brother it doesn't matter if you don't have one ally in the whole damn house, you can still escape eviction by being HoH and making sure someone in the ruling tribe gets voted out. This is a totally different game and needs a more subtle and pliable strategy to make it to the end. So far Willie's strategy is about as subtle as a piano falling on Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert.
This includes the shocking realization that Willie is related to Russell Hantz, which he lied about even though everyone already figured out because they look more alike than Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen wearing the latest in Amish fashion on a red carpet. This just highlights my very wise colleague Kate Ward's observation that lying about stupid things on Big Brother is entirely pointless. Congrats on keeping your secret, Willie... for four hours! Everyone lies on BB, but the point is to make people think you don't lie. If they know you lie about silly things, and they always find out, then they will think you will lie about big things. This is just more evidence that Willie (who I despise myself for wanting to make out with him) is not at all equipped to play this game.
OK, so, how did we get to Willie nominating Frank and Karlie(?), Kaitlyn(?), Kara(?), whatever her name was. It all started when Mike Boogie and Dan started to form a sort of ""coaches' alliance"" to have their people work together. In retaliation Brittany and Janelle decided to form the Blonde Squad and have their six players work together. Last I checked, six is greater than five, which means that if they can pull this off they can definitely vote out one of Boogie or Dan's players. That's if everyone is going to listen to them. Brittany decides that Dan loves Kara the most and Boogie likes Frank the most so they're going to pick their two best players to try to create a rift between the coaches so they'll be easier to defeat. Good strategy, but it is probably just going to make them hate the girls and their players more, which could cause trouble in the next few weeks.
Next: Get Ready for the Coaches' Competition[PAGEBREAK] Then it was time for the coaches' competition. Yes, there is a competition for the coaches, because so far all the emphasis has been on them. It's always nice to have returning players on a competitive show because there are people that you know and like (and hate) right from the starting gun, but it also means that you won't learn the name of all the interchangeable girls for the first three weeks. Like, I can't tell you the difference between the spray tan operator, the bartender, the VIP waitress, and the girl who is a nurse but telling people she teaches kindergarten. I don't know one of their names. There has got to be an Ashley, just because that is how these things work, and one has to be Kim(?) or Klarice(?). Whatever, that girl who is nominated. But, you know what I'm saying.
So the coaches have to run around a track dressed as horses and you have to catch the coach and yank onhis or her tail and whoever wins gets to save one of his or her players from nomination. This is a game that was stolen from Survivor, which apparently is where BB is getting all their clues from this year. Are the house guests going to have to eat coconuts and listen to Jeff Probst's berating them, too? Also, we were told that the competition would decide the haves and have-nots for the week. All the contestants come out dressed like they are at the Kentucky Derby except for Wig, who comes out dressed like he's going as Mrs. Peacock to a Clue costume party. Challenge, challenge, challenge, boring, boring, boring, and Mike Boogie wins. He saves Ian. This is smart.
There is something medically wrong with Ian. I have diagnosed him with having a severe case of weird-as-s**t. Yes, Ian is weird as s**t. He is the kind of guy who sits there with a camouflage rubber duckie on his head for no particular reason. He will hump the beach ball in the pool just because. He will dance around the Big Brother house spanking himself with his key and play a game he likes to call ""dust bunny"" where he crawls under the couch and just lies there waiting for someone to sweep him out with a broom. He's just odd. And he isn't doing this for attention (well, maybe from America, because he knows the cameras are watching) because he doesn't do this stuff when others are around. He is just touched, not by an angel like Roma Downey, but something else, something else entirely. This makes him very easy to evict, especially since he likes to stare at all the girls when they shower. It appears that Ian's weird-as-s**tness also comes with a serious case of pervy.
So, Boogie saves Ian and then each of the coaches has to pick a have-not from their team. OK, the competition did not decide who is on slop and who is not, because they all had to pick. The competition had nothing to do with this except that each of the players was still wearing their horse underwear (made by Jockey) when making the decision.
Now that Ian is off the table, Willie doesn't have an obvious outsider to nominate so he goes for Sir Francis of the Magic Hair and Karlotta(?) as per Brittany and Janelle's plan. These two might have lost the competition, but it seems like they are the ones playing the hardest at this very moment. Go Blonde Squad!
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