It is being reported as the biggest thing to hit Canada since Wayne Gretzky. In an astonishing geopolitical development that has stunned political analysts and overwhelmed social media, Canada has officially taken steps to annex several northern U.S. states, beginning with the renaming of those states as new provinces within the U.S. neighbor to the north.
Mark Carney, Canada’s newly elected prime minister, announced the surprise move this morning, following through on his election promise to Make Americans Canadian, Eh, and coining the new, wildly popular Canadian slogan of M.A.C.E.
While residents on both sides of the border were surprised by the announcement, Carney explained how he wanted to create “positive chaos” in his first 100 days in office, and he desperately wanted to sell MACE hats.
“The first state to be absorbed, will be Michigan,” stated Carney. “Minnesota, Wisconsin, Vermont, and North Dakota will soon follow.” He noted that “Greenland has also expressed interest in coming on board.”
At a joint press conference with Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer, an overwhelming crowd of thousands shared the excitement over the new alignment.
“We are thrilled to be the first,” gushed Whitmer to the crowd. “Our citizens are anxious to lead the way and set the tone for those other states, I mean provinces, that follow.” Carney officially welcomed Michigan and announced that the provincial name for the Great Lakes State will now be Lakes Province. Whitmer noted that Michiganders, or Lakers, will now be able to visit Gordie Howe’s birthplace in Saskatchewan without passports or Gold-star drivers licenses.
President Donald Trump, seemingly taken by surprise when asked about the annexation of states during a round of golf at Mar-a-Lago, immediately called for a Signal group-chat to review the specifics with his Cabinet.
None of the group chat members returned our call for comment, although Trump did note again that he won his club’s Senior golf tournament last month.
“The reason that I announce this, it serves as a physical exam, only MUCH tougher.” In an unsurprising dig at former President, Joe Biden, Trump continued, “You need strength and stamina to WIN, and I have strength and stamina – most others don’t. You also need strength & stamina to GOVERN!”
In a follow up, The Daily Mail claimed that Trump was not present at one of the two days of the tournament, as he was attending the funeral of one of his supporters, six hundred miles away. The Huffington Post added that the 78-year-old has spent 13 days playing golf since becoming President about ten weeks ago. Yikes – it’s ONLY BEEN TEN WEEKS??
We are awaiting details from the group-chat to be reported by the Atlantic.
Despite the general enthusiasm over the annexation of states, a few American lawmakers are raising concerns. Senator Ted Cruz warned, “If we let them take Michigan today, what’s next? Maine? Florida? Texas?!”
Texas officials immediately drafted legislation to completely ban Canadians from the state, while Florida lawmakers ordered that all books, with any reference to Canada or any hockey term, be immediately removed from the state’s schools and libraries.
Ex-President Joe Biden weighed in with an opinion, saying. “Look, folks, here’s the deal. You know, my dad did some ice-fishing at Moosehead Lake in Michigan, or was that up in Maine, back in the day. Canadians ice fish, too. That’s the truth. So, really, what’s the difference?” He didn’t comment further.
What Happens Now?
New Canadians will need to learn “O Canada” so I’ll give you the first verse here:
O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all of us command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!
From far and wide,
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
You can learn the rest later.
Next, let’s meet up at Tim Horton’s for a crispy-chicken-sandwich / donut combo, and to discuss the historical significance of the war of 1812, eh?
Happy April 1st.
Curt MacRae, a resident of Coldwater, MI, publishes regular opinion columns…
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