I have always enjoyed writing a column to be published on April Fools’ Day. It provides a rare opportunity to manufacture “fake news” with a tongue-in-cheek attitude, secure in the knowledge that readers won’t take my opinions literally. I usually start crafting that column in mid-March so I can add events and tailor the structure as events occur.
This year is different. I realize that while this year’s current events may be funny, or sad, depending upon your own viewpoint, any satirical column I write is no more outrageous or comedic than the reality we see each night on the six-o’clock news.
I wrote satire last April 1 – if you like satire that column is here: CLICK HERE
But today, I am stuck with facts that we may wish were an April Fools’ Day rant.
Amazingly, this week Donald Trump won another statue for his ever-growing collection. The “America First Award” is another in a long line of pretend awards to appease a narcissistic leader. Truth, truly is, stranger than fiction.
Wednesday night, Speaker Mike Johnson awarded President Trump the inaugural America First award (there are a lot of inaugural awards going to this president) at the National Republican Congressional Committee fundraiser.
Johnson assured his audience of one (others were there but make no mistake of the intended audience) that this honor will be presented annually. Don’t you wonder who next year’s winner might be?
Johnson noted, “And we want to honor him (Trump) in some small way, some token of our appreciation for his leadership. And so, tonight, we have created a new award. We’re going to do something we’ve never done before. We’re going to honor him with a new award that we’ll present annually from this point forward. But he is the suitable and fitting recipient of the first-ever America First Award. We could think of no better title for what that is. That’s this beautiful golden statue here. Appropriate for the new golden era in America.”
My first thought? You can’t make this stuff up. But apparently House Republicans can, and will, if they want favors from the Executive Branch, or if they worry about the president turning on them for expressing an original thought. We’re waiting in line for four hours at the airport, paying $4+ for a gallon of gas, while Congress is thinking up a new way to slather praise on a guy where it’s never enough, before they head off on a two-week break, one of many during the year.
Earlier this week, Trump announced another gift, this time from Iran. He noted that Iran “gave us a present and the present arrived today, and it was a very big present, worth a tremendous amount of money.” Trump added a little intrigue with, “I’m not going to tell you what that present is, but it was a very significant prize.”
“What could it be? What could it be? Oh, please tell us sir. Please, please, sir,” said some big strong guy, probably with tears in eyes. Trump told us what the gift is a few hours later. I dried my tears.
Let’s recap the string of awards that could have all been included in an April Fools’ Day column, if I could only have imagined them prior to them becoming reality.
• Rolex desk clock worth $10,000 – $50,000 from Switzerland
• Samurai helmet worth $5,000 – $30,000 (est.) from Japan
• Commemorative book worth $2,000 – $10,000 (est.) from the British royal family
• Golf memorabilia (multiple items) worth $500 – $5,000 each from various countries
• Luxury Boeing aircraft worth $400,000,000 from the royal family of Qatar
• Art, plaques, ceremonial gifts (various) worth $1,000–$20,000 — from various countries
In 1966, Congress enacted the Foreign Gifts and Decorations Act (FGDA), which permits federal employees, including the president, to accept offerings of “minimal value” from other governments, defined as souvenirs and nominal displays of courtesy. A minimal value threshold is in place, which was most recently set at $480. Whoops!!
What else can we give the guy? There was the inaugural FIFA Peace Prize, created by a soccer organization. Then, in January, he coerced a copy of the Nobel Peace Prize medal, from Venezuelan opposition leader María Corina Machado, who actually won the award. In February, he got the inaugural “Undisputed Champion of Beautiful Clean Coal” statue, presented by the largest coal company in America. I wonder who’ll win that one next year. No embarrassment yet? Wow!!
And now the “America First” award.
After slapping his name on the Kennedy Center and the U.S. Institute of Peace, sticking his picture on national park passes, hanging banners with his picture on them on government buildings all over town, creating Trump RX (which doesn’t work, by the way – I tried it), creating meme coins and citizenship-for-sale cards with his likeness, and a host of other excesses too excessive to list, we discovered this week that he’s sticking his signature on our folding money. Narcissism has no boundaries, and apparently no budget constraints.
How can he possibly have the time to find this many ways to embellish his own ego? As he takes over other countries, starts new wars, insults our allies, posts all-night social media memes, and holds open auditions for sucking-up at his monthly Cabinet meetings, you’d think that would be enough. Nope.
Maybe this April Fools’ Day we should offer an award to the American public… For endurance, and for somehow navigating a world where the line between satire and reality has been wiped away. I wish I had some satire to offer today. Happy April 1, a couple of days early.
Curt MacRae is a resident of Coldwater, MI and publishes opinion columns regularly.
To be notified by email when a column is published, or to offer feedback: rantsbymac@gmail
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